It’s getting more and more difficult to talk myself into going through these treatments and this last one was the hardest so far.
I started to feel bit a little queasy the night before chemo which has never happened before. I didn’t think much of it and blamed it on my dinner because I had taken my sister and niece out for pizza. This was the first time I had eaten pizza in a very long time. I was following a strict vegan diet for about 7 months before I got sick. Vegan=no cheese. Maybe I’ll talk about that more another day. Anyway, that night I felt like I needed to get out of the house and eat some comfort food to pump me up for treatment the next day, so that’s exactly what I did.
Thinking I would be feeling better in the morning, I got up and got my bag packed with my laptop, charger, medicine, and some granola bars to munch on. On chemo days, I spend anywhere from 4-7 hours in the hospital so I try to bring things to keep me busy. This day was going to be one of the longer days- around 7 hours. Unfortunately, I started to not feel so well once again as my mom and I were driving to the hospital. I remember telling her, “I really don’t want to do this.” In that moment, I would’ve done anything to not have to go, but looking back, that was the best I felt all day. I slept almost the entire ride there.
Walking into the hospital only worsened my feelings of nausea. Thinking of anything chemo related would make me feel like I was going to actually get sick so I tried to distract my mind by thinking of other things, but how do I not think of chemo in a hospital full of cancer patients? I kept my mind busy the best I could.
When I go to these treatments I first have to get blood work done. After, I meet with my doctors and talk about all the new symptoms I experienced with the previous treatment (so far, every dose has brought along some new side effects to add to this already long list). Lastly, I go into my chemo “suite.”
Talking to my doctors that day was really hard. Don’t get me wrong, I love my oncology team, but at that moment, I guess just talking to anyone was hard. This was especially true since my doctors specifically talk to me about chemo which is what I was trying to avoid thinking about. I felt myself growing more and more anxious, getting more and more sick, and just overall feeling really bad. We had talked for quite some time, but just when the PA was about to leave, I brought up how I was feeling because it was almost unbearable by this point. I asked her if it was normal to actually feel sick before I even had chemo. She said it was and went into a long explanation which I think I unintentionally tuned out. All I was thinking is “I hope she leaves soon because I can’t talk about this anymore.” I felt my face getting hot, my heart starting to race, and tears swelling behind my eyes. She looked at me funny and asked if I was ok. I was barely able to nod my head yes. She gave me a concerned look and left. I bolted to the door and behind me I could hear my mom ask, “are you really ok?” This time I shook my head no and went into the first bathroom I could find. I closed the door and leaned against it while a steady flow of tears streamed from my eyes. I let myself cry for what felt like an eternity, but a quick rush of panic went through me when I realized I didn’t want to walk around the hospital with a tear-stained face and puffy eyes. I wet a paper towel with cold water and put it on my eyes. I think I read about this trick in one of those teen magazines when I was in middle school, but I found out that day that it doesn’t work.
I walked out of the bathroom and my mom told me it was going to be ok. We went to the chemo waiting area and eventually got called in for treatment. It took every bit of energy I had to walk into that room. Everything I was looking at and hearing was showing my body that I’m getting closer and closer to having this poison injected into me and my body was making it known that it was not happy about it.
I sat down and asked the nurse for something to use in case I got sick. She brought me a plastic bucket, an extra pillow, and another blanket. They told me I could lay back and sleep during treatment and to me, sleeping was the only way to not have to think about what was happening. I think I fell asleep within 5 minutes.
I woke up, minutes before treatment was over, to my mom reminding me about taking a picture with my countdown sign. If my dad hadn’t put so much effort into making it I might have even skipped the picture this time (Looking back, I’m so glad I didn’t though). She handed me the sign and I somehow managed to force a smile on my face. Usually I post the picture while I’m still in the hospital and before I start feeling sick, but I didn’t even look at these pictures until the next evening and even then I didn’t want to post it. You can just see in my face that I wasn’t my normal self. You can tell I was tired and just overall didn’t look good. I didn’t even have the energy to put makeup on that day! But, I promised to keep it real with everyone and that picture was about as real as it gets… well besides maybe adding a filter 😉
As soon as I got home from the hospital I went straight to bed and didn’t get up for a full 24 hours and even then, I was only up for a maybe an hour or two. I had my usual symptoms plus a new one (I told you, I get at least one new symptom every time!). This time I added neuropathy, or tingly hands and feet, to the list. I also looked a little more into the nausea and anxiety I was dealing with prior to this treatment. Apparently it has a name and it’s a pretty common thing. Taken straight from the American Cancer Society’s website:
So not only is chemo making me sick, just the thought of it makes me sick. It’s a constant mental battle that I feel like I can’t win. Oddly, the “anticipatory” nausea is still an issue for me even a week after my treatment and over a week before my next one. Just last night, my mom mentioned the word “ice” to my dad and I instantly felt queasy. The feeling lasted for hours. Why ice? The nurses make me chew on ice chips during treatment to prevent mouth sores so I guess now my body associates hearing the word “ice” with chemo. I didn’t even know that was a word that bothered me until it brought back all of those feelings again.
I have been looking into ways to deal with the anticipatory nausea and if I find something that works I’ll share it here in case anyone else is dealing with it. If you know of something that may help, please comment below. I’m willing to try anything at this point.
If you know me, you know I can’t just talk about negative things all the time so here’s some good news- my doctors have agreed to give me a longer break between treatments this time! It’s a mental break for me and as you may imagine, it’s very much needed right now. To take advantage of this, my family and I are going on a short vacation next week to Long Beach Island. We are all really excited!
Also- stay tuned for my PET scan results. I’m hoping I’ll have some great news to share by the end of the week 🙂
sunnyskiesahead.com 
Hang in there Crystal. I have a dear friend going through the exact same thing right now – her neuropathy is bad but she’s also stage 4. Some day in the future this will be over with and you’ll look back and say wow, that was tough. You’ve got this!!!
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I can’t wait for that day. I’m wishing all the best for your friend!!
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You are such a strong and amazing woman. Many people look up to “Wonder Woman” but it reality, you are the true wonder woman. You are showing someone what true strength is. Keep up the great work, we all love and care for you.
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Reading this brought back so many difficult memories. I know exactly where you are. I was there 17 yeas ago. I became nauseous whenever I saw or heard the word cancer. The sign on the front of the Oncology Center made me angry because why put a sign up with that horrible word on it?!! I couldn’t participate in Relay for Life events, just too difficult. The only way I made it through is having faith in Jesus Christ and keeping my eyes on him. And having good family support that made sure I was getting what I needed. You can do this. “Be still and know that I Am God.”
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Crystal, I know you are a very strong person and you will make it through this. Since you are such a positive person, try thinking of the chemo as a positive. It is a liquid gold that is going to rid your body of the cancer that is trying to harm you. Easier said than done, but you are a positive person. Take care and enjoy your vacation.
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I am so right there with you. Tomorrow is my last really bad “Red Devil” treatment and no one gets it Chrystal thinking about makes me sick, makes me cry makes me anxious. I have 12 taxol treatments starting in two more weeks. The struggle is so real and my heart goes out to you. I keep up with you daily and pray for an end for both of us. Let’s do this put it behind us and kick cancers butt sweet girl. We are strong!
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Yes we are!! Someone told me once that as bad as you’re feeling, the cancer is feeling ten times worse. I always think of that now when I’m having a really bad day. Hang in there!
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What an awesome way of thinking!!!! You go girl!!! All here in Hpt Rds are with you!!!
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Crystal that you for sharing your story – even the painful parts. We enjoyed watching you on the news in Cheyenne WY and we are cheering you on in your treatments and recovery!
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Love and healing prayers Crystal, maybe some long deep btpreathing, if you are able may help 😊
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I’ll give it a shot! Thank you!
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Crystal, a break does help I know from my own experience. There is no easy answer because everyone is different. As the journey continues know the path ends and it will be a memory that will dim with time. Thank you for sharing with all of us, who wish a beautiful future for you without pain!
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Thank you, Diana!
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Crystal, I am so sorry it’s gotten so rough on you. Thank you for still sharing such personal honesty. I pray that your trip is just the medicine for you! Praying that you will be so blessed and strengthened, and that you will always remember that even at your weakest, you are so loved by the One who is strongest and loves to just hold you. He’s there even if you sleep the day away. He never leaves you!
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Saw my wife through the same thing. Trust in the fact that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You will be fine!
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Reblogged this on gaillovesgod and commented:
Praying for my dear friend, Crystal. Please pray with me. God loves you, Crystal!!
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Be strong!! You can beat this. Praying for you daily.
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I know exactly how you feel. I to have been there. I know you probably don’t remember but I have been writing you back and forth. I have stage 3 Rectal cancer. I finished a year of chemo just April. My forth treatment was the beginning of symptoms as you. I still have numbness in my hands and feet. Hang in there Crystal. Pray and God will get you through this process. Start counting the days you have left. You’ll find it helps and I would tell myself that there are others worse off. Especially kids.
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Thinking of how much worse things could be helps me a lot too. Stay strong, Anita!
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I am so sorry you have to go through any of this. Perhaps memorizing and quoting this verse will help you at chemo time. Philippians 4:13New King James Version (NKJV)
13 I can do all things through Christ[a] who strengthens me
I will keep you in my prayers.
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Thank you, Elizabeth!!
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During chemo I took Compazine, Zofran and Ativan (nausea/ sleep. If one didn’t work or stopped working I switched. Always took the Ativan though. Ginger Candy from Vitamin Shoppe worked also after eating.
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I just bought some ginger candy. I tried it when I wasn’t feeling sick and it was awful haha! I’ll try it again when the nausea kicks in though 🙂 Thanks for the tips!
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Crystal, My heart goes out to you. I’ve watched members of my extended family go through treatments so I know how unpleasant it is for you. I pray for your recovery. You need to fight back with positive thoughts. If your mind surrenders, your body will follow. So then, is the opposite. Stay positive, stay strong, stay you. You are loved a great deal here in Tidewater and we’re all pulling for you and awaiting your return.
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Crystal â My heart just breaks for you that you are going through all this. Reading this, I so empathize with you and just wanted to send you some waterproof mascara and a hug!! Hang in there kiddo! âThis too shall passâ and you will be one strong chickie and a strong advocate for other women that go through something like this!! Nobody understands what you go through until they have been through it themselves!
I kinda think this is cathartic for you to write all this and may even help you deal with some of the anxiety. When I was going through a rough time (nothing like you) I tried self hypnosis and relaxation therapy. It does help a little. And anything that helps is worth trying!!!
Hang in there and thank you for being so honest and open with your experiences.
Give little Chloe a little pet on the head from me and my pups!!
Joyce Hurst
(a fan from Norfolk VA)
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Hi Joyce! I did read somewhere that hypnosis may help, but others say it didn’t. Like I said, I’m willing to give anything a try right now. What is relaxation therapy? I’ll look that up too. And you’re so right, writing helps a lot! Thank you so much for all of the advice!!
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Hang in there, you are a strong person. Your parents love and support you! I work in healthcare so I understand your feelings, no doubt it is extremely tough. I wish I had some magic words for you, as a Dad and Grandpa I would say you are doing the right thing by surrounding yourself with loved ones. Your Hampton roads family is praying, be strong and as I tell my kids buckle up it is going to be a rough ride.
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Crystal, enjoy your trip. Enjoy your family and laugh a lot! Bless you!
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Gf, keep your chin up, think about you all the time. Have a great trip.
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May God bless you Crystal and bring you some relief. Chemo sucks!!!
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Hang in there sweet girl! I finished chemo in May, and finished radiation 2 weeks ago. Each chemo treatment had its own personality, some worse than others! I got some relief from the smell of peppermint, candles, oils, anything with that smell helped my tummy. Also, I purchased an “old school” ice bag at the drug store. Filled it with ice and kept in on the back of my neck when I felt queasy. I also tried some yoga breathing. I promise you will get through it…wish I could help more. Xoxox
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I did read somewhere that peppermint helps! I’ll have to give that a shot next time. Thank you so much for the advice and again, congrats on finishing your treatment!
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Crystal,
I’ve been there; it will get better. Sometimes a particular smell will bring me back. These are battle scars that we carry forever. You are at war with cancer and war is hell. Be strong, you will get to the finish line. It’s been 20 years for me since I went into remission. You will be able to say the same thing one day.
Keith
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I’m so worried that certain smells/sounds will always make me feel like this. Hopefully it’s not nearly as intense for you still and congrats on your long remission. Can’t wait to get there!
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Crystal-your feeling what I believe my daughter felt when she had chemo 2 years ago. Her chemo wrapped up June 9 2015 and she is living a full life. Its not easy on you or your family but I sense you are strong and you’re doing great. You’re loved ! Sending you the best wishes from Virginia Beach !
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I think this is worse than the nausea from the chemo! Did anything help her get through it?
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She had her French Bulldog and she also continued working part time. She is a spokesmodel at auto shows & marketing events. It really was taking life day by day and I flew to Miami to be with her for 6 of her treatments. We would get frozen yogurt and have fun do errands. Family & love help. You’ve got this ! Your PET scan is better. You may want anti anxiety medication – I believe one tablet helped. You are going to be broadcasting soon. Thinking about that & your promo spot for Summer on the boardwalk with the hot looking cars is run often! Wishing you the best! Hugs Mrs Marsh
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Still keeping you in our prayers! Thank you for allowing us to share in this very personal journey.
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I am still holding you in my thoughts and prayers. So very sorry this is happening to you.
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I really hope writing this blog helps you and cleanses your mind a bit. It’s hard and it’s awful and you’re going to feel like crap but expressing how it makes you feel should help. When I have something daunting or difficult to get through I plan some sort of “treat” or reward for myself afterwards because it gives me something to look forward to. Maybe plan on a nice long hot bath with some new bath products or rent a movie you’ve been wanting to see, knowing it will be waiting for you when you get home. Hang in there and know that your virtual friends love you!!
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I love that idea! I usually have something planned for the week following treatment when I know I’ll be feeling better. The treatments and side effects have been so unpredictable each time, but I agree that it’s important to always have something to look forward to! Thank you!!
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Why can’t they give you something for nausea and anxiety? I think just about anyone would be anxious. You are such a strong person. I really admire you, and I hope you feel better soon.
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We here in Hampton Roads are pulling for you. I’m so sorry you have to do this, but there is a light at the end. It might be hard to see now, but everyone in the 13 viewing area is waiting for you safe return.
Have fun on your vacation and enjoy the extra time with your family.
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I got nauseous just reading you were nauseous. I’m so sorry! Praying you can get your mind off things and hoping you all have a wonderful trip. You might be interested in following this young woman on instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jessdecris/
Prayers continue.
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When I was going though chemo, I had Anticipatory nausea, and vomiting real bad. What worked for me was eating pain white rice, with a little butter, and some flavor Italian ice before I left for chemo. I would still have some nausea, but I wouldn’t get sick. I been praying for you.
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Crystal I can’t begin to know how you feel but I know you are a strong and positive person and yes you will have good and bad days but know this you have so many people following you on this journey and praying for you along this tough road. Hang in there Hampton Roads is pulling for you👍
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Chrystal ,My Mom has fought cancer a few times and I asked her for some hints to that might help you she suggested talking to your Doc about Emend Protocol that helped her a lot with the nasha. I hope this helps and we continue to keep you in our heart and Prayers 💕
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My dear Crystal I can’t even imagine how hard it is to go through what you’re going through my prayers are always with you stay strong and keep fighting.
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Crystal everyone who has gone through some form of cancer treatment can relate to your story to some degree. You are truly amazing and not for just going through this but sharing this journey. Prayers for you on a positive scan report and again you have a great support system with your family and all the friends on here that you are sharing your story to.
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Hang tough Crystal. God has bigger plans for you and greater days are ahead. You keep digging and we’ll keep praying!
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Hi Crystal
I read your post with tears in my eyes. I went through the same exact thing as you just a little over two years ago. From the very beginning of the symptoms, to the constant testing, to all of the scans and blood work, to finally getting the diagnosis. Then on to the chemo with all of the side effects that you have mentioned. I had days where tears which is flower out of nowhere. Every little thing what upset me. One thing that did help get me through was being on a depression/anxiety pill. I was on Wellbutrin. It helped with the anxiety and the mental preparedness for chemo days. If they do not have you on one already, it may be worth asking about. The Ativan is also a good medication for the nausea.
I know it’s hard, but try not to think about your chemo days in advance. Just go about your week as if it was an off week and just go to chemo appointment the morning of. This will help with that anxiety also.
Please feel free to message me if you would like to chat with someone that has been in the same place that you are. You are in my prayers every day
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We have been praying for you and gain strength by your amazing strength through this difficult road that you and your family are dealing with. Stay strong my friend.
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Crystal I can’t imagine what you are going through. My heart is breaking for you. I am sitting here reading this and it’s making me well up in tears. I just want to give you a hug. Try and stay strong mentally because it’s so important to fight! You are so amazing and you will beat cancers butt! As a mother, I can’t imagine watching my child go through this and I know it must be difficult for your parents. I pray for you all to stay strong and positive. Everything your feeling is normal. I hope between treatments you can learn to not think about it and if you do give your self a specified amount of time to worry, stress, feel what your feeling and then turn it off like a switch. That’s what I do when I am feeling stressed. I know worrying about it is not good for me and it really does help me to give myself limits. Then if it starts to creep back in I turn the switch off again mentally and I tell myself “don’t think about it right now, you think about it tomorrow for 15 minutes”. I give myself that time to think about if I must. Then I am done for the day. I am sending you hugs girl one for you and one for your parents. You are all in my prayers. Stay strong. Pray, meditate; do what you have to do to get through it, but most of all be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel. It’s going to be ok.
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Crystal, I swear I was just thinking about you! I was watching channel 13 news and you came to my mind, wondering how you were doing. I’m so sorry you’re going through all these horrible symptoms, but you truly have such a positive mental attitude that I know you’re going to beat this thing. My cousin is currently undergoing chemo and radiation at the same time (mouth cancer) after a horrendous surgery. I’ll let him know about the anticipatory nausea, it might help him to expect it. So thank you for your blog post, it definitely will help others. Fight on, my dear!
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So sorry you had a rough week. Continued prayers for you Crystal
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Stay strong, Crystal! Even in the tough words, I sense the determination. You’ve got it beat already. Just go through the motions of the next steps.
Sending hugs and prayers your way.
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Dear girl, I remember saying I wouldn’t sugarcoat the journey you were about to take. While everyone has a unique experience, the common bonds we share are faith, fear, and fatigue. I’m glad someone explained anticipatory nausea to you. It’s bad enough to feel bad, but to feel like you’re going crazy on top of it all is the pits. I wish I could say things are going to get better, but that would be breaking my primary rule. Better to know the worst and be ready for it. Yes, I’m the realist, and I speak from experience, with much love and respect. This is when you have to rely on the strength of the people who love you most. You are blessed to have your folks to lift you up, as well as the prayers of thousands of people who have taken you into their hearts and thoughts. If you weren’t frightened by what you’re experiencing, you wouldn’t be human. You, my dear, are a remarkable human being. Know that you are cherished and respected. Hugs, and much love to you, Crystal.
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Crystal, you are such a brave woman. Enjoy your vacation and I’m continuing to pray for you.
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I have been through chemo treatments and also came home with chemo pack for 3 days. I started feeling sick just hearing a little noise coming from chemo pack, I requested atavan which helped keep me calm and not focus so much of what was going into my body, it really helped me a lot. Took it until my treatments were over, also has a benefit of helping you sleep well. Good luck and hope you can get your nausea under control. Janice
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I will say the alphabet backwards. You really have to concentrate to do it. This might not help all the time, but it does take your mind off of the discomfort for a few minutes.
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Praying for you Crystal! I admire your bravery and courage as you fight this.
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Hi Crystal how are you my surgery 😷 went well . Then yesterday i was knappin then woke up.nauseas did not poop for two days then i. Woke up threw up but then i poop wound up back 🆙 n hospital need cat scan wouldn’t get results till am wish i was home
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Crystal,
Thank you for sharing your experiences. Unlike many people posting I can not relate to what you’re going through, however, I can say you’re helping and informing many people through your experiences. We all wish you a speedy recovery and want to see you back on 13 news as soon as possible giving us the great weather forecast you’re known for. Just know many are praying for you.
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You continue to amaze me with your spirit. Be kind to yourself. Continued prayers for your recovery
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My heart aches for you. I can only imagine how you feel. Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I remember the day I met you at that run in Va. Beach in the Spring. You will get back to those days before you know it. Keep the faith!
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Crystal I think it takes a lot of strength to be so open about your journey through this. I hope it is helpful for you and others. The only part can speak from experience is the neuropathy. I have been dealing with it for a few years and until recently not much helped. I’ve been doing acupuncture along with electric stimulus for the past few months and they haven’t felt better in a long time. Always thinking the best for you and really hope to see back on the news soon.
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Good Morning Crystal… 🙂
I am so sorry to hear about the rough time you are having. I hope today is a good day! I went through a similar situation and on rough days I tried to focus on a time or place I enjoyed to get through the rough days. I also would read an amusing book or watch a funny movie. Laughter is good for the soul… 🙂 It helped me. I keep you in my thoughts and prayers Sweetie. I think of you and pray for you during my breathing treatments. Hang in there and know there are people who care for you and are praying for you!!!
Have a Blessed Day!
Cynthia Caddle
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Crystal – Reading your blog brought tears to my eyes as I have been in your exact position! Last Wednesday I just finished 7 months of chemo and like you each new round brought new side effects, more anxiety and down right dread. Please ask your oncologist about taking Ativan. I would take it appx 1 hour prior to my chemo treatment and it helped greatly with the anxiety as well as the nausea. I also took Zofran and Promethiazine for the nausea (I alternated taking the pills) and they definitely helped. I usually tried to sleep during treatments…sleep definitely helped the most.
Stay strong sweet girl! Remember you are a cancer warrior…we may fall down but we always get back up! I will continue praying for you!
Cheryl
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Crystal, one thing I learned is no one fights alone. Find a support group. The posts are good but you need support from those who are entering the process or have gone through it. Anxiety is a normal part of this experience!!
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